The answer of my inconsistency issue: Whose pleaser art thou?

Who doesn't know Simon Peter, the one who was brave enough to say that he would die with the Lord but also the one who's dare enough to deny Him. He was so easily movable in his character. Another reason for Peter's unsteadiness was his desire to go along with the environment. He wanted to please those in the environment. He was all the way afraid of men whether the Lord said in the gospel:

And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 

Matthew 10:28

We may not always notice how much are we influenced by men's affections and displeasure. As soon as we try to please men and to avoid their displeasure, our way is no longer straight. If our focus is not to please God but rather man, we have already turned some little degrees away and only some miles apart will we realize how far have we gone from the first place. If we always consider what people might think about us when we speak God's word, we are not straight in ourselves, we are not being true to ourselves, but we cannot lie to God. But in reality, most of us say this or that to meet other's expectations. We have too many ears to listen to what others have to say. Peter was afraid of the slave girl, and he was afraid of many other people. He was bound by his weaknesses.

Brothers and sisters, are you trying to please men, or are you trying to please God, to meet His expectations? This question should be settled the first day we consecrate ourselves to God's service, committed ourselves to preach His words to speak forth Him. The Lord promised rewards to those who are persecuted:

Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. 

Matthew 5:11-12

But if we are here to please men, will we still experience persecution? Will we still experience trouble? If we are here to please men, the stumbling block of the cross will be annulled.

And I, brethren, if I still preach circumcision, why do I still suffer persecution? Then the offense of the cross has ceased.

Galatians 5:11

Brother Nee said, "Brothers and sisters, if the problem of your fear of men is not resolved, you cannot run a straight course before the Lord. Those who have a fear of men change their course as soon as something affects them one way or another. They can never be stable and strong before the Lord." (Quoted from his book, The Character of the Lord's Worker).

These ministry words really bring me to be enlightened. I too am no different from Peter, afraid of displeasing men. Well, I had never thought that this could really affect me in serving the Lord. This is the answer of the inconsistency of my will. Sometimes in my life I was passionate about nurturing healthy fellowship with the Lord, with the sisters, teenagers, with the saints, even preaching the gospel. The other times? I lived my life recklessly, waste the whole days, leaving out all my responsibilities behind. Most of the times I end up realizing how bad I have developed laziness as my character and how useless I have become as a student, as a daughter, as a saint, a redeemed one, as a young adult, a citizen, and so forth. So, back and forth I always end up dissatisfied with myself, and constantly live under self-condemnation. So envying apostle Paul who said this verse in some of his epistles:

This being so, I myself always strive to have a conscience without offense toward God and men.

Acts 24:16

Now I know that it is my character that the Lord has to deal with, a shell that He has to crack so that the Spirit living inside of me can break through. My unstableness, just like Peter's, the lack of a stable will, needs to be put into His hands. And praise Him that He is not going to give up on me, on you, or anyone reading this who have the same problem as I do. Now that I realize how serious my unstableness in affecting my Christian walk, which also disqualifies me from running in the course that the Lord has set me on.  And as long as I'm giving my vessel into His hands, whatever cracks and processes that He will set before me, whatever trials, wins, failures, every other things ahead of me, I need to face it without craving for anyone's attentions, affirmations nor likes. I have to fully understand this in my head that looking to pleasing men annuls my respect towards God, the only Person I should please.

Here's a little prayer that I prayed for this matter: Lord, do have mercy on me. Renew my will, make a use out of this vessel, please. Give me a heart that only seeks to know and fulfill Your desire, lest I hope on being glorified upon Your coming. Amen.